Foul mood

I'm usually in a foul mood these days. I snapped at most people, most of the time, and I can't help myself. During the AAR for the Gala Film Preview, I didn't say anything and just sat there with my arms crossed(looking rather pissed - don't mean to but I juz look like I'm going to beat up someone if I juz were to sit anywhere without smiling). When we were leaving after the meeting, Mr Soh actually called after me and asked if I'm ok or stressed up. Really, I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean to look pissed or anything. Why shld I? But I AM pissed, only with myself. I screwed up as the OIC for programme. I really felt like I've let everyone down. Mr Soh was scolding YK during the last meeting even though YK wasn't present - saying that YK was doing badly and don't know what's going on etc. He went on to scold YK the next morning - in his face. YK got discouraged of course, and I felt that if there's anyone who deserved a scolding from Mr Soh, I think I shld get it first. But he never did once scolded me. I feel bad. Really.

I thought about the event on hindsight. Why did I screw up - and I actually can't think of a reason why! Can I say that I have a thousand other things that I need to oversee and attend to than an ECA? I know I shld just move on and concentrate on other things but I can't even concentrate these days! I feel so tired all the time. Sometimes I think I spend too much energy agonising over things. Sometimes I think I ought to re-org my work and personal life, and prioritise my tasks. Sometimes I try to make the best out of things while shuffling between meetings etc. I want a break. Yet, my conscience is telling me, that I shld let me staff have her well-deserved break, and burn my own leave balance. Director said SPOs shld be self-sacrificial right? Great. I'll see how long I can hang on. Sometimes I feel angry and sad at the same time. I look at myself and I ask myself why am I still in the office at 12 midnight. Something is definitely very wrong! I want to take a break and think through things. Yes, but my conscience is telling me that I can't. Damn it.

I snapped at Elgin yesterday and I wrote him a very nasty mail after he sent me a (quote) "just do it!!!!" email. I'm threading down the wrong path. I shld be working smart and not just hard. I'm frustrated that despite all the workload and trash I'm dealing with, I painstakingly helped him out and what I perceived was that I'm not doing enough. So, I snapped at him. Thankfully we've been friends for a long time before we joined Service and became squadmates - he is accustomed to my style back in training school. Again, I feel frustrated with myself that the few of us were in Elgin's office at 12 midnight rubbing ink off the photos just because the numbers I wrote with a marker stained other photos.

I really need to re-examine my life. Can't go on like this. My former Supt came and talked to me one day, telling me to continue to work hard, that most people "out there" know me, CEP will stabilise after 5-7 years, so I shld continue to work hard now etc. She specifically added that I shld not "glorify" my mistakes and shld learn to move on. I just glorified my mistakes once again. I haven't been able to practise her advise. Sometimes I just feel that I'm not cut-out for a uniformed organisation but then again, isn't it so for a private or non-uniformed organisation? I need a break.