I was late again

and he was mad at me again. I admit that I do have a bad habit of being late. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and not being punctual is just one bad habit that I can't get rid of. It makes me feel sad somehow. I've tried to be on time today but was late for 5 mins. He sent me a nasty sms. How was I to reply or react? I don't know...but it sure made me feel really inadequate, that I'm not good enough for him.....

Of coz friends would tell me that one shld never allow another person to determine their self-worth. But can you avoid that?

I always think that I'm fortunate to have everything that I need to keep me alive. He offered to pay for my LASIK surgery next week. I don't need him to pay anything for me. It's my choice, my surgery, and I will make provisions for it myself. If I had made the decision to buy a car, I will work to support it. If I can't afford, I'll sell it. Since it's my decision to keep it anyway, I will support it myself.

We will move into our home soon. OUR home. HIS house. I need to make the distinction because I need to earn my own keep, for the sake of my self-worth.

He has not been sensitive enough to realise why I haven't gotten a laptop which I've been badly wanting to get, a new bike which he has been pestering me to get, or fly to Beijing over a long weekend.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now because I feel angry, sad and disappointed at the same time. I feel sad and disappointed because he doesn't seem to understand even though I put in effort. As I dwell into these feelings, I begin to feel angry at his lack of understanding. Then it dawned on me that he doesn't have a sense of reality and understanding of me. These become a vicious cycle.

At the end of the day, it's still me and my pride. Despite having said that, I still need to keep it to define who I am.