I'm so tired

It's my first day back at work after a long period of leave, and I feel down and out already. As I was stamping on the letters today (ya, I cover my staff when they are not around, my boss as well...and my boss was on long leave, and now she has been posted out.) I realised something. I'm not cut out for this job. It's very clear that it's a job misfit. I was angry to be exact as I heard comments that training was messy and stuff. This came from someone who does the deployment of staff herself.

I was very discouraged. I work extra hard to ensure that our staff go through adequate training. I call for quotations, draft specs and find out more about courses that my staff can go for. Some feedback from the recent in-service courses were : course is boring and not relevant and it came from a SPO. Last week, someone from the management hinted that I'm not doing as well as my predecessor. Felt really down cos' I knew what my predecessor had done, or rather, had not done. Why is that I work so hard and still, nobody appreciates?

I'm not sure if I'm only hearing the negative remarks and being affected by them. Who wouldn't be if they were in my shoes? Who cares if you've work until 12 midnight to ensure that people go for courses? Who cares you that you've spent hours compiling briefing slides, only to have them sleep throughout briefings? Who cares about everything else except themselves? And it is my job to care for everybody else, when I feel so miserable myself.

Ada came to discuss some training plans with me today. I had asked her to help me in planning for exercise plans for staff with BMI above 25 and IPPT. She told me that my would-be boss was unhappy that I had engaged her. My heart sank. Once again. I had to do everything myself and when I delegate, my bosses feel as though I'm pushing the buck. If I do everything myself, they'll just say "you need to get people involved. SDO can't this all by herself." I feel I've been slapped left and right. All the time.

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of such comments that I just shut myself out and just keep working and working. I can't carry on working in such an environment. I dropped Dr Lu an email today, asking him if he's going to Yunnan for fieldwork again. If he's not, I'm going to drop the Kunming lecturer a mail if he still wants to offer me the scholarship. I've wasted 3 years of my life to prove that a uniform organisation is not my cup of tea.

I bumped into Venus today. She's leaving next month. I told her that I heard that AD(SD) wanted her to stay by offering her the counsellor post within a month. Venus told me that she's not wanted by the dept. Huh?? Not sure if she meant that she was still not offered the counsellor's post. The bottomline is, our dept is not doing enough to retain worthy staff. I'm not sure if it's the dept or my unit per se. Anyhow, they are going to lose more than Venus.......