Hmm...I was just wondering what to put in as the title. Then I juz typed the words "It's already July..." and I wondered to myself...so what? July's going to be gone like June, and so would August, September and so on.... Then January would come.... The bottomline is, it suddenly hit me that I'm getting older. Not a sudden realisation of my age to be exact. It's a re-visitation that I'm getting old. As I was going about doing some chores, I thought to myself that I think I've grown slightly wiser over the years. I asked myself when was the last time I had an argument - I couldn't recall one. Guess my life when I was a teenager was full of arguments, with family, with friends.
I don't quite think that it's because I lost the energy to argue. I think arguments are pointless. Looking at arguments in context, it's a reflection that 2 persons do not accept the other's point of view and in that instance, reacted with anger. 2 things sparked off this thought. One friend commented out loud recently, "Ei! We haven't really trekked together, have we? [he paused] But then again, maybe we'll fight on the mountain!" I thought about it...and wondered if this would really happen. My conclusion is, I think we've grown older and times have changed. I think I've resolved some of the bad temper within me....I hope! :P
In another context, one colleague of mine said that I, together with another colleague, were being childish by not talking to one another after an argument. [pause] There isn't any argument, I must clarify. I stopped analysing about friendships long time ago, and I think my colleague, at slightly less than her mid-life has just begun to open her eyes and view this world like I did when I was 14. That's my perception, anyway.
Come to think about it, I haven't done a lot of things that I used to do. I stopped hanging out at cafes, I stopped typing long emails, and I stop staring at the sky or sea. I guess it's inevitable that this happens. Work. Seemingly the counter-preposition of living life and enjoying it. I noticed that I seldom feel the extremes of emotions these years while working too. Anger - hardly. Happiness - seldom. Sad - not quite. I'm just living a life with mild emotions. Nothing worth remembering, or to talk about. As I'm typing, the clock is ticking, life is slipping by. I always think to myself, that if there is a clock which tells how many years, months, days, hours and seconds are left of my life, then perhaps, I would do something to make the last 5 minutes which passed by more meaningful.
Distraction. I'm always distracted and I lack focus. I even thought that I lost focus of my life. I lost the meaning to live a life. I used to go about doing things purposefully. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew who I were, what I was doing. Not anymore. By a twist of fate, while waiting for Weizhe to digest his dinner the other day before hitting the treadmills, we went to Kinokuniya. I went to the Philo section as usual, and picked up the books on Confucianism as usual. It never fails to calm a distracted and distraughted mind. One philo lecturer once told me that philo is the basis of understanding the universe and humanity. Ah. I'm beginning to appreciate life again.
There's no conclusion because there is no end. Now I need to get prepared to meet some friends. Haha....distractions indeed.
