After yet another round of coffee

He popped by today when we were having corporate classes - bodycombat and bodybalance. Not sure why he wanted to pop by in the first place. Popped by...waved and sat around for a while and left for Orchard. He came back again for coffee after that.

Coffee sessions are no longer so awkward. Perhaps when the will has decided, the mind sorts itself out.

Will it be fair? Is there even fairness in such situations? No there isn't. Yet, shld I continue seeing him even though I've decided?

We're all adults. We can take care of ourselves.

Two pieces of different puzzles

Put two pieces of different puzzles together and what do you get?

The truth is, nothing. Because they don't fit.

It's difficult to accept this fact but I just have to.

Changing lives

In one of the chapters of "Tuesdays with Morrie", he mentioned something about finding a meaningful life and devoting yourself to loving others, to the community and creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

I thought of another girl who was also put in my charge. I used to walk past her each time, treating her as part of the 'masses'. She would often get the "You again!!" remarks from staff. Still, she kept it within her and one day, she requested to talk to me personally. Usually I'm busy scuttling up and down hallways but that day, I chose to sit down with her and listen to her. That was when she told me her story....

She was often the outcast. Labelled a deviant by her principal and teachers, even the police, she would say. In fact, the OC and myself also labelled her a deviant amongst the deviants. Yet, she told me the love she had for her family, for others around her. I began to see her differently. I gave her some assignments to keep her focused on her studies and told her that I'd see her again.

She completed the assignments duly and most of the time, I caught her off-guard when I went to talk to her. I saw the many sheets of papers that she had scribbled on as she thought of the questions I had given her and she was rammaging through them to find the final copy which she had prepared for me to keep. She even made a copy for herself. "So that I can remember" she said. I gave her more assignments and told her to think through some things.

When I didn't have time to see her, she'd write down whatever she wanted to tell me on sheets of paper and passed them to me. I kept these papers to this day. It wasn't the contents that matter to me. I was the invisible listening ear that she needed. More importantly, through her internally monologues and self-reflection, she began to change. She was doing much better in her studies and stopped accumulating minor 'report cards'.

Before she was out, she requested to see me. As usual, I squeezed a few minutes out of my work to see her. It was particularly rushed because I was no longer in charge of these girls. She was pleasantly surprised to see me and told me that she had so much to tell me but wasn't prepared. I told her the things that I wanted to tell her, and there's one thing that I didn't tell her - we started on a journey of change the day when I chose to listen to her. Just much as she thinks that I've made an impact in her life, she has made an impact in mine too. She's back to the safety and comfort of her home now. I hope she's doing well. And happy.

"When you learn how to die, you learn to how live"

I was reading "Tuesdays with Morrie" when I came across this line. Strangely, I seem to be able to relate to this. I remembered one day in JC year 2 when I was told coldly in the face that I was tested slightly positive in Hep B. My world seemed to come crushing down on me. I've never had a more serious illness than the occasional bout of flu, not even chicken pox, or anything that warrant more than a trip to the GP. That was when I felt that there's an expiry date to life. It really didn't matter anymore to me if I couldn't complete assignments on time, get that distinction or the newest gadget on the market.

Life came to a standstill personally for me. Things went on as usual for everybody else. It just stopped for me. I began to pay more attention to things around me that I have taken for granted. The noise from the TV in the living room became comforting cos' on days when my family wasn't in town, the flat would seem so cold and silent without the TV on. I felt as though I didn't have the courage to live with an illness and for that moment, really felt like ending my life.

At that point in time, I reached out for my phone and messaged Ah Tut for the fun of it and told her that the doctor told me that I had 2 weeks' left or something like that. She was shocked and got worried. On hindsight, it was really a cruel joke to play on someone else.

The next day when I went to collect the lab results, I was told that I have been tested negative for Hep B. The incident changed the way I look at life and suddenly, I became more sober. I stopped imagining myself in the paper chase, and burst the bubble I had built around myself.

A few years down the road, I look back on my life and I think I have no regrets. I used to tell myself that pursuing a Masters degree in geog would be my greener pastures, and I was working in hell. Things aren't that bad actually... I think of ah bian, one of the 'girls' whom was put in my charge. I recall the days when I would make her sit in front of me and repeat "I will only do the right things." because she is easily influenced and often gets herself into trouble. She is no longer getting into trouble and being punished. I'm not sure if the sessions I had with her helped. Nonetheless, she would always come up to me and thank me each time I bump into her these days. When she didn't see me, she would pass the message to others who would then relay the message to me.

Did I help to change a life? Sometimes I wish I could make her sit down and tell her that I'm really touched that she has improved and learned how to behave, that I really wish the best for her and it is not too late to live a meaningful life, whatever that is meaningful for her. I wish I could be at the door to give her a hug when she's finally stepping out, to give her the strength and courage to move on with life. To tell her that she owe it to herself that she's now a changed and free person. But I never had the time to stop to say more than a few sentences to her, nor would our rules permit me to give her a hug whatsoever.

There is never enough time for the healthy, living ones. When we realised that time is running out, we replace the working-our-ass-off-for-nothing-much with courage to live out of days. Then, we may realise that it is too late and there's no turning back the clock.

Tut told me not to sms him but I really want to tell him that the sms that he sent hurts because he matters to me. When I was nearly involved in a near-collision on Sat night, I thought that life's too short to hold back things that you want to say. How close we were to death? I was at the wheel and it made me feel ashamed that I was responsible for three other lives in my car. How different would the world be today if we didn't make it that night? Chances are, there wouldn't be any difference. The sun would still rise and set. The aunties would still be doing their marketing, the cars would still be on the streets, the shopping centres would still be packed despite our lives lost.

Perhaps one day, I would tell him that. Not now.

Melancholic again..

"I have of late, but where forth I know not of, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises…that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory" (Hamlet, II.ii.)

I’m not exactly sure what I’m unhappy about. Perhaps it was the two-and-a-half day of suicide prevention conference that made me ponder on life again. The conference was emotionally draining. How so, I’m not sure myself. Perhaps making sense of something that doesn’t have an answer is very tiring.

Or is it something else? Have you ever felt that your life was whole until you met someone who could very well be your safety net? He’s the safety net exactly because you thought your life was whole. Then, if you try to remove the safety net and suddenly feel as though there’s something missing in your life. Dare I remove the net then?

Things have accelerated but slowed down for the last few days – to be exact, as of yesterday. Was it my mood that I perceived it to be so?

It has been a long time since I felt like this – dull and melancholic. Nothing exceptional to be unhappy about. Yet, I’m not happy. Why? The suicide prevention conference gave me insights, not much revelations though – but that’s ok because there’s nothing much to discover about suicide cos’ the dead don’t talk. Or so I think.

I believe a human is both organic and psychological. [and I lost the point…]

Back to my safety net. I’m not exactly sure to identify him as a safety net in the first place. I guess one would never know, even though he could vocalize all promises in the world. It doesn’t matter if he had said or not say anything at all. I couldn’t be sure, and that’s not the matter.

What do you get if you have two pieces from two different jigsaw puzzles and try to put them together? It could jolly well be the case if I wanted to believe so. Again, I don’t know. Perhaps one day, when I’ve gathered enough courage, I would sort this out before we move on, with or without the other.

2nd Asia Pacific Suicide Prevention Conference

Instead of heading up north again this weekend to ohmmmm under the water mist from the waterfall, I was obliged to attend a conference on my boss' behalf - cos she had to go on leave. Duh. It wasn't that bad actually, considering that there might be some form of relevance for me as a CARE officer. I asked boss what she wanted me to gain out of the conference since I was replacing her. She said "for use in case we have suicidal staff". Errrrrrrrrrr....................good try.

The conference's ok...there were interesting speakers, boring ones and some who look like they are not interested in what they were doing/saying at all. I wish I weren't so darn tired all the time during the conference. Kept falling asleep! I wonder if it's the teabreaks and heavy lunch and fondue strawberries and marshmellows.....

Some points brought up by the speakers were interesting. I could actually draw links to what the author was talking about in Prozac Nation and attribute it to a certain point from some theory. I know linking it this way seems shallow but I was really curious if the author had over exaggerated when she made certain points in the book and I could draw parallels between the thoughts of a depressed "vocalised" in the book and how science had categorised such thoughts.

Wah..veyr sleepy and no mood to blog. Next time....

To be or not to be

Talked to a few people...and I think I have a clearer picture of what I want. :)

Thanks to Tut, Bit and Kiwi for being there to support me, especially in urgent times of need. :)

Thanks to the 2 buis and YANLI!!! who constantly have to listen to me whine about everything... :)

Thanks to all those, even though you may not know who you are... :)

Still in the office...

It's 11.33pm on a Sunday night. I'm still in the office cos' boss wanted me to update some stuff on to our website. I uploaded the html files but couldn't get the photo galleries up. Fed up. I think I have exceeded the storage quota. Cannot shrink the files cos' we're running most stuff on flash. Grrrr.....