I'm broke

I remembered during the JC days, Kelly would say that people owning a house, a car, half a dog and half a cat. I used to own half a car, until recently when my sister quit her job and I have to take on the full loan. It's not even a big, luxury car and I'm already having trouble juggling between loans and bills and of course, my personal expenditure.

Howcome I'm so broke????

Join the Army

I happened to be Toa Payoh Bus Interchange today. They were hold an Army Roadshow thing at the central. Suddenly, I felt like joining the army. At least there's more action. Not that I don't have actions that require ops-readiness in my current job...but it's a different kind of thing.

Lijing said "Eeeee....but join army very dirty one...."
Me: Aiya, what I'm doing now also very dirty what. On sway days, my hair would be in a mess and I have all the TB, HIV and scabies bugs/viruses on me.
Lijing: Eeee....
Me: Army is a different kind of dirty. It's mud dirty, not like the viruses and dust that I'm working in. Ei, I like guys in their number 4s...
Lijing: That bunch there so skinny one...
Me: Ya lah...if they are born skinny or don't look cute then wear what also not cute but at least the number 4 makes them look smarter.
Lijing: You saw that one just now? So skinny!
Me: All the more I should join army hor? All the guys so skinny and all the prison officers just keep growing fatter and fatter, like me!

Period.

Maybe I should go join the army.

Purpose

I worked for more than 20 hours straight yesterday. My bosses didn't grill me to do that, I did it out of my own accord.

I was performing night duty on Friday night, and I caught some girls misbehaving. I stayed back after my shift so that I could discipline them. To my disappointment, none of them admitted that they ever misbehaved. I really felt all my hopes evaporating and disappointment set in. They are still so young and they could already look at me straight in the eye and cry and whatever, saying that I had accused them of something that they had never done blah blah blah. Then, I grew silent - not because I ran out of things to scold or advise but suddenly, I felt tired. Not only tired from the night shift but tired of listening to inmates lying in my face.

My colleague helped me through this, she herself was also affected. She had spoken to the same group of inmates, and each told her a different story. Finally, she gave up and told them that they ought to be grateful that Mdm Boey stayed back after her night duty to speak to them. At least she bothers to try to point out their mistakes and not let them parish. That if they prefer officers to just lock and unlock their doors, then we could jolly well do it to them. Then, even the most hardcore of them admitted to her mistakes.

Apparently, I was a little too fierce in my approach and she was afraid of admitting - afraid of getting her friends into trouble too. I rest my case...and retreated into my office to submit a report against the whole bunch.

After that, my colleagues and I went out for lunch-cum-dinner. It was the first time the 3 of us came out together, since we're all from different shifts on regular days. At that point in time, I felt that I would miss such moments if one of us were to quit or be posted out. 1 Housing Unit, and it was just the 3 of us. I should have been happy to have such nice colleagues around me...and yet in the beginning, I complained and bitched and begged to be posted out. I think I miss them already....I think I'll never have such a combination of colleagues again....

The 24-hour shift left me feeling tired and haggard. I felt like I've aged a couple of years...feeling mentally and physically exhausted. Think I need another long break.....

Pause.

Went to the Khatib CC in Yishun to have coffee and cakes with Yanli this evening. Nice place to chill out coz' the cafe was nice and the scouffle was yummy.

Realised that it has been a long time since I sat down for coffee and cakes without complaining about work, or discussing about when I would quit. That was a strange, yet familiar feeling.

I remembered sometime ago when I would have anxiety attacks when night falls. That would remind me that I have to work the next day and whether I've forgotten to do something. Those periods were horrible, when I would wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, suddenly remembering something that I had forgotten, scramble in the darkness to find my pen and notebook and jote down the things before crawling back to bed. Those days weren't too long ago...

Now I can empathise with insomniacs. The more I try to sleep peacefully, the more I wake up in the middle of the night.

I was in the staff canteen when I brought this up. Coincidently, the colleague whom I was talking to shared the same problem. I wonder how many of us actually suffer from such anxiety problems.

Somehow I think mental health amongst Singapore workers is in pretty bad state, especially at this rate that we're chopping manpower and the workload is ever increasing. I hope the 5 working days thing won't start a passing-the-buck syndrome..........

I've lost control of myself

I've lost it. I've lost control of my will power....

Was pretty angry for my friend-colleague who told me about how her husband had cheated on her. I was thinking about what bastards men can be....and then after that...I headed down to Toa Payoh instead of going straight home to ermmm.....hopefully run into SOMEONE there.

Of course, SOMEONE was having classes and all I bumped into, was his car at the carpark. Strange thing is, I went to Toa Payoh, parked my car near to his, went to NTUC to grab (I paid of course..) a couple of things that I don't really need and fled before he came out of his class.

Strange things people do out of..........infatuation??

I think I'm beginning to lose control of myself in general. It's just like in kickboxing class when one will start throwing the body around instead of taking control and aim the kick or punch wherever one aims.

At work, I blab a lot of rubbish to my "girls", which is really beginning to tarnish the professional image that I had tried hard to maintain in the past. Am I letting go of myself and juz throwing myself into the open sea just to see if I sink or float?

Perhaps one day, I would find myself again...

My squadmates, still fresh and young in Service then... Those were the days.... 

Inward-looking or outward??

Anyway, I was just looking for photos to post on my new blogspot and realised that most of my digital photos are scenic ones or of fishes or myself. I think I really need to widen my social circle...

The photo below was taken when I recently scaled Mt Kinabalu. It reminded me of a hopelessly flawed argument that I'd conjured up during the many hours and days of stoning by the beach at Koh Tao, Thailand.

Why do most people either love the mountains or the sea? This was of course, a response to a survey of a population of 2, i.e. my friend, Yanli and myself. (Haha!)

People who love the sea are basically people who are inward-looking. The vastness of the sea/ocean which signifies feedom on the contrary, brings out the the inability of people. We can't walk on water, can only be limited to the depths which scuba can bring us to, can't breathe underwater. We are only limited to a small boat bobbing on the vast surface of the ocean. Therefore, given such an inability to do things, these people turn inward-looking, i.e. look within themselves for truths and interpretations of realities...

People who love the mountains are those who are outward-looking. Mountains do not inhibit people like oceans do. One is free to roam over mountains, across valleys... This freedom gives the mountain-lover an inclination to perceive the world from their personal point of view. The mountain, sunrise, sunset, culture are what one perceive them to be...

What's the difference between the two then? The ocean inhibits the person from looking outward from a personal point of view due to a general lack of things to perceive. (!!!??)

I think I'm getting too carried away...haha....I know it's a weak argument, one premise leading to another which can be flawed individually. Oh well....at least my brain was still working during those days when I was stoning by the beach...certainly burned more calories than juz lying on the cushion converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

I've had a crush on this guy. Haha...yes...HAD a crush on this guy. Apparently this guy is too popular with ladies. There were actually females juz standing around ogling at him. I felt uncomfortable juz by this sight. I wonder how he felt being visually raped by so many females. Ewww....... Yeah, so that was when I've decided to find a less goodlooking crush so that I won't accuse myself of being one of those ogling at him. Haha!

Gosh, I think I hate myself.

Smiling despite the aching legs and cramped-up thighs... 

Dive 

I can't believe myself

Hmm....I juz started my own blog. Actually I don't know why I would start my own blog....I thought blogging is juz a passing fad for secondary sch kids. Alamak, maybe I'm still young at heart. Haha!

Difficult to be young at heart when you have loans to pay....the heart is hardened and let-down by the world over time. Oh well....

I used to like to write lengthy emails to my friends but then I realised that it's like a one-way communication. I think I'm going to deliberately stop writing emails to update on my life. I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually a cyborg living in a world with make-believe friends.

I remembered reading something that goes like "I lose some friends by death, some by inability to cross the road" by a female author whom I've forgotten.

At the end of the day, this life, all of us would die alone anyway. Doesn't matter whether you've had how many friends right?